LEAVE ME ALONE
Four days ago I opened a blog 4 myself to live the life which I have been willing to live.While writing there I am as I wish to be,but in real I am not.Noone knows about that blog,that's better.At nights after everyone sleeps,I open my blog and add there some dress photos,scarf photos and clues how to wear..I share my ideas and desires only with myself. I read them there again and again.I am the only visitor of that blog,though I love it.
If someone strange opens it by chance, s/he would guess me someone very religious.In fact,inside my heart I AM like that,but I can't show them in the conditions that I have been living now.Maybe if I was stronger enough,I would do that.
I created my blog and I put there stylish dresses that a Muslim woman can wear.I am doing as I am an İslamic fashion designer.That's what I want to be,so by this way I feel as I achieve my goals.
But whenever I am not alone or in the mornings when I live a standard so-called Muslim life in İstanbul,I realize the truth.I am only cheating myself by this way.I am trying to convince myself but the truth is always showing up.I feel like a liar.A big liar because I lie myself.
Everyday I am wishing that the pressure on me - by my family and others- ends.My life is getting more boring for me like this.I feel I am only living at nights.That's why all the nights I am awake doing headscarf models front of mirror,in the same time getting afraid if someone wakes up...I sleep until afternoon don't wnt to go out.
When I buy a headscarf I feel I have to say ''I bought a shawl-neckerchief- ''so that I can make my mum smile and say '' Nice shawl.'' I feel she's feeling changes in my life too and getting angry inside herself.When I wear so much,she has to say me : ''The weather is so nice out.You'll sweat like this.''
And my fixed answer: '' Nice for you.I am getting cold.''
When I wear a scarf covering some of my hair only,everyone out-especially neighbours have to ask me if I am goin mawlud -a gathering of women in Turkey to read Kur'an and pray for deads-.I say them NO,they keep asking so Why? Why u wore headscarf suddenly? ''Will u wear it always?'' and my mum has to explain them that it is only a ''shawl'' and I wear it for '' fashion '' or ''style''. NO WORD FOR ME!!!
I HATE PEOPLE ' S QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE. I HATE PEOPLE HERE.
I HATE BOTH OF THEM !
Reyhan...
28.09.10 05:57 am
i am crying.
YanıtlaSilthat's my life! that's exactly what i do!
i stay up at night until 4am, put pictures and quotes up on a blog only i read, i try my scarves on (which i hide in my closet, because i can't even show them to my mom), smile at myself in the mirror looking at the girl i ACTUALLY AM, feeling proud and pretty. i almost faint when i hear a sound from another room, thinking that maybe i woke someone up, and they're going to come into my room now, and see me. whenever i go out, i have to wear something my mom "approves of" [and i am >>23 years old<< :( i'm even ashamed to tell this to anyone]
so dearest Reyhan, habibti, may Allah give both of us strength and sabr that we need in our situations. I love you for the sake of Allah, girl <3 Stay true to who you are. InshaAllah, God will provide a way out of this situation for us, so that we can both stay true to ourselves, and not upset our parents. AsSalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu!
Inshallah Allah swt will give you the strength that you need! So you live in Turkey, I think? Are your parents Muslim, or not?
YanıtlaSilthe same with me. the only Muslim in my family, ina non Muslim country. I can not speak the word hijab in front of my mother,
YanıtlaSilThe scarves I buy have to keep in the closet. I'm a Muslim almost 4 years but my mum keeps saying it's just a phase in my life, and that I'm lost.
AsSalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu